The Bye Week Thread: A Quiet Sunday and Other Lies

“Feels good to have a week off from sweating profusely with my head in my hands,” announced Mark.

An entirely reasonable ambition. The Steelers weren’t playing. Nobody needed to explain a third-down screen, rearrange their sofa or preserve a winning streak through untreated heartburn.

Jason had established the programme for the afternoon:

“Dinner on. Arse on sofa for the rest of the day. Bliss.”

Olympus had switched to Sunday service. The thunderbolts were charging in the kitchen.

Carl, however, didn’t know what to do with himself.

This is the difficulty with a Steelers bye week. You spend two months asking for a peaceful Sunday, then somebody gives you one and you immediately require supervision.

Fortunately, there was other football available. Mark nominated the Falcons and Saints as the afternoon’s temporary emotional responsibilities.

The anxiety had been subcontracted.

What Is Defence?

Atlanta’s contribution to the relaxation programme was to let everyone watch Ja’Marr Chase have a lovely time.

Rhys wanted to know what defence was. Kyle followed up by asking what tackling was. These are fairly fundamental questions to be raising during a professional football game.

Steven felt Bijan needed to be involved for Atlanta to stand a chance. Before long, his assessment had broadened to “a story of two bad defences and one better offense”.

Jason wasn’t sure whether to be in awe of Chase or simply bored of him.

There is only so long you can admire an opposition receiver before you start wishing he’d develop a minor administrative problem and have to leave.

Ger was equally tired of the commentary team’s enthusiasm for Burrow and Chase. He fancied Pittsburgh’s chances next week and expected Warren to enjoy himself.

The group had successfully turned watching another team into thinking about the Steelers.

Recovery was going poorly.

A League-Wide Inspection

Attention spread across the remaining games, with limited improvement in customer satisfaction.

“NFL offences are bad,” concluded Mark.

Combined with the earlier uncertainty about defence, this suggested the league was struggling with both halves of its principal activity.

Rhys nominated the six o’clock slate as possibly the worst ever. Ger later supported the motion, identifying the Eagles game as a particularly demanding watch.

There were complaints about an international playing surface. There were questions about a fake punt. Rob reported that Cleveland had committed “the most Browns penalty ever”, a category with considerable competition.

Mark also found time for a small moment of personal growth:

“Maybe it was for the best Justin Fields wasn’t our QB.”

A bye week offers space for reflection. Sometimes that reflection is simply gratitude that a particular problem belongs to somebody else now.

People continued watching.

For hours.

The reviews remained terrible, but nobody appeared willing to leave.

Saints Preserve Us

Eventually, the Browns–Saints game became the thread’s main concern.

Carl described it as “absolute utter shit”.

Jason contemplated the possibility of overtime.

“If there’s one game you don’t want going to OT…”

It was a disturbing thought. Having volunteered to watch something they weren’t enjoying, everyone now faced the possibility of receiving more of it free.

Mark’s afternoon had deteriorated considerably from its opening statement.

“God sake New Orleans…”

Then:

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU NEW ORLEANS”

The promised week off from sweating with his head in his hands appeared to have encountered a contractual loophole.

From the celestial sofa, Jason contributed:

“Take That Browns and I don’t mean Gary Barlow.”

Even divine intervention now came with a reference to a British boy band.

Then, at last, New Orleans supplied a happy ending.

“Love you Saints,” said Jason.

Elaine thanked them. Lucy had really enjoyed their win. Ger expressed his feelings towards Cleveland in the traditional manner.

Paul called it “a Browns way to lose”.

The Saints had performed a useful community service, although several members might have preferred them to complete it with less audience participation.

Bliss, Eventually

“For being an awful early slate, the games certainly ended fun!” concluded Mark.

And there it was: the full emotional journey, achieved without Pittsburgh taking a single snap.

Optimism. Disappointment. Tactical criticism. Regret. Capital letters. Relief at Cleveland’s expense.

A perfectly normal Steelers Sunday, with the Steelers excused attendance.

Jason got his dinner and his sofa. Carl found something to do with himself. The group discovered that supporting other teams could be every bit as irritating as supporting its own.

Next week, Cincinnati.

Mark’s head-in-hands duties will return under direct management.