The Week 3 Game Thread: False Optimism, Roller Skates And A Strip-Sack

After last week’s unpleasantness against New England, the UK Steelers Facebook Game Thread assembled for Week Three with the sort of positivity normally found among people who have either learned nothing from experience or are deliberately lying to themselves.

“Hello false optimism, my old friend,” wrote Ketts.

Elaine assured everyone it was “totally going to be fine,” Nigel cautiously asked whether it was all going to be okay, and Rhys announced that he was ready to get hurt again. Rob suggested holding a sweepstake on who would be first to abandon the positive mindset, while Mark reacted to Cincinnati winning the toss and deferring with: “Oh well, on to Week 4.”

Philip officially declared the thread sponsored by the vintage telephone, in memory of the now-lost pleasure of slamming down the receiver after winning an argument.

Everything was in place for another normal evening of Steelers football.

Then the offence scored a touchdown on its opening drive.

It was difficult to know how to react. Aaron wondered whether he had accidentally selected the wrong game. Jason assumed something was wrong with his internet because he had just seen somebody wearing black and gold enter the end zone. Nigel declared everybody “completely cured,” while Rob immediately upgraded his expectations to: “SUPER BOWL BABY!”

Roman Wilson’s touchdown completed a slick, up-tempo opening drive in which Aaron Rodgers got the ball out quickly, Jaylen Warren produced a superb block and Pittsburgh’s offence displayed the sort of purpose and invention we had spent the previous week demanding.

It was so enjoyable that DAZN briefly stopped working for Ketts, presumably on the grounds that nobody had paid for this particular version of the Steelers.

The Bengals responded by strolling through Pittsburgh’s defence, immediately establishing the evening’s central problem. Whenever the offence looked functional, the defence appeared determined to balance things out. Patrick Queen found himself in no-man’s-land, Cincinnati moved the ball far too easily and the thread’s early euphoria was interrupted by the realisation that stopping Joe Burrow, Ja’Marr Chase and Tee Higgins might prove slightly more difficult than simply asking them nicely.

“Well, we looked like we couldn’t stop a bus there,” observed Nigel.

Philip responded with an unsolicited fact about white tigers being deliberately inbred for human entertainment. This did not improve the coverage, but it did give everyone something else to think about.

Remarkably, the Steelers offence simply went back to work.

DK Metcalf caught a football, prompting the first of several outbreaks of astonishment. Roman Wilson continued getting open. Jaylen Warren ran hard. Darnell Washington carried Bengals defenders around like children clinging to an adult’s legs. Aaron described Mount Washington being hit by three people, deciding he still hadn’t reached the first-down marker and simply walking through them.

Then Rodgers found Ben Skowronek for another touchdown.

Two offensive touchdowns. In the first quarter. By the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Laura asked the only sensible question: “Who ARE we?!”

A run of 72 consecutive games without two Pittsburgh offensive touchdowns in the opening quarter had ended. Stu began booking flights to collect the Lombardi Trophy, Mark celebrated the death of the seven-point first-quarter streak and Philip marked the occasion by telling the “silly furry wombats” of Cincinnati exactly where they could go.

Simon, displaying the instincts of someone who has watched this team before, simply wrote: “I fear halftime already.”

The offence continued to look transformed. Rodgers was distributing the ball across the formation, Warren produced Pittsburgh’s best run of the young season and the right side of the offensive line finally offered a glimpse of what it might become. Even the commentators were forced to stop criticising the Steelers offence and began discussing the grass instead.

The thread was full of unfamiliar words such as “beautiful,” “gorgeous” and “superb.” Rob began to question whether he had arrived in the correct Facebook group.

There were still complications. DK collected penalties, Rodgers missed him on a promising play and Pittsburgh burned all three of its first-half timeouts with alarming enthusiasm. Boswell added a field goal, taking the Steelers to the almost mythical total of 17 points before halftime.

Lucy needed a lie-down.

Unfortunately, Burrow remained almost completely undisturbed. Pittsburgh’s pass rush was applying the footballing equivalent of thoughts and prayers, while Cincinnati’s receivers kept finding space between the zones. The defence bent, occasionally stopped bending, then resumed bending with greater flexibility.

A bizarre Bengals catch helped erase Pittsburgh’s advantage, and a half in which the Steelers had played their best offensive football in years ended level. “Absolutely brutal,” said Rhys.

The closing seconds also featured Rodgers scrambling, taking a hit and disappearing down the tunnel. Lucy reminded him that he was an elderly gentleman and asked him to calm down. Kerry described the incident as “his old man fall.”

At halftime, Philip’s famous statistics were sponsored by John’s really nice shoelaces: “Why have one when you can have two?”

Philip also shared a comforting story about enjoying a cup of tea with your grandmother, only to discover that she was a serial killer who had poisoned you and intended to dispose of your dismembered remains in a canal.

It remained unclear whether the story was a metaphor for being a Steelers supporter or simply something Philip had been thinking about.

The second half began with the defence still unable to protect the middle of the field. Cincinnati repeatedly converted manageable third downs, the pass rush remained absent and the lack of a true number-one corner became increasingly painful. Rhys correctly identified the tactical dilemma: the Bengals’ receivers were forcing Pittsburgh into two-high shells, creating large soft areas underneath for Burrow to exploit.

Kris proposed renaming the scheme “TOO F**KING DEEP.”

A Bengals field goal put Pittsburgh behind, but a roughing-the-punter penalty gave the offence another chance. This time Rodgers found DK in the end zone.

“He caught it,” Dan announced four times, just to make absolutely certain everyone understood.

The touchdown restored the lead and temporarily repaired DK’s relationship with the thread. Kris insisted he had never doubted him, despite a substantial body of written evidence suggesting otherwise. The celebration was immediately followed by what Laura described as “an all-encompassing, terrifying American medication advert.”

Once again, all the defence needed to do was produce a stop.

Instead, Pittsburgh left Mike Gesicki completely unattended on a fourth-down touchdown. Three Steelers appeared to be in the general area, but none felt it appropriate to accompany him toward the end zone. Ian summarised the coverage meeting as: “He’s yours. No, he’s yours. No, he’s yours…”

Aaron imagined the coaching instruction: if a receiver runs downfield, everybody must stand exactly where they are and not dare to move.

The mood swung from delight to fury in seconds. Mark had finally had enough: “If it’s not one side of the ball, it’s the other. Or both. It can never be both being good.”

Yet this time, the Steelers found another route back into the game. A Cincinnati special-teams mistake presented Pittsburgh with the ball, Skowronek completed an excellent recovery and the thread erupted again. The offence could not turn the opportunity into seven, but Boswell levelled the score.

By now, nobody was enjoying themselves in any medically responsible sense.

Cam Heyward produced a huge play. Renegade echoed around the stadium. Warren kept dragging the offence forward. Then one of his best runs was erased by a penalty against DK, provoking an instant return to the calls for Metcalf to be fired into the sun.

The anger softened slightly when the replay suggested the flag was extremely harsh. DK then immediately caught an important pass, creating another emotional turnaround within approximately 20 seconds.

Darnell Washington followed by flattening everything in his path. “THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN!” shouted Rob. Nigel’s description of Washington cannot be reproduced in a respectable family publication, but it was extremely complimentary. Lucy predicted an appearance on Angry Runs, while Aaron suggested Mount Washington was showing the wide receivers how to do their jobs.

Warren continued carrying the offence until exhaustion—and the Pittsburgh turf—finally defeated him just short of the end zone. Jason called it the funniest drive in NFL history. The Steelers settled for another Boswell field goal and a three-point lead, leaving Burrow enough time to make every person in the thread question their cardiovascular health.

“Cue soft coverage coming up,” warned Jason. “Strap in and get those swear words ready.”

Chase found space. Burrow moved Cincinnati forward. The familiar ending seemed to be assembling itself in real time. Lucy reached for the anxiety medication, Simon asked who didn’t love a relaxing Sunday-night game and Laura compared the Bengals quarterback to Macaulay Culkin, adding that it was no wonder his parents had forgotten him on the way to Paris.

Pittsburgh’s pass rush had barely touched Burrow all evening. It chose a magnificent time to arrive.

Second year defensive end Derrick Harmon broke through, stripped the ball and ended the game.

The thread detonated.

There were capital letters, GIFs, language of extraordinary versatility and several people apparently losing the ability to type. Stu had a sleeping child beside him and was forced to scream internally. Jason produced a “WHOOOOOOOOOO” of historic length. Mark declared it had never been in doubt, fooling absolutely nobody.

After waiting all night for a sack, the Steelers had produced a strip-sack to win the game.

The final mood was part triumph, part relief and part disbelief that Pittsburgh had found yet another completely unreasonable route to victory. The offence had come alive, Warren had been immense, Washington had spent the evening treating professional athletes as minor inconveniences and the young defensive line had delivered when the game demanded one decisive play.

As Carl put it: “I F**KING LOVE THIS TEAM… most of the time.”

Victory Monday was secured. The Steelers were heading to the top of the North, hearts were still pounding and everyone agreed that the short turnaround before Friday morning would provide just enough time to recover.

The Game Thread will be back for the next game, bringing together Steelers fans watching from sofas, pubs, workplaces and behind sleeping children across the UK and beyond. Join the UK Steelers Facebook Group and experience every touchdown, penalty, defensive breakdown, murderous-grandmother story and medically inadvisable finish with people who understand exactly what you are going through.

Because Steelers football is rarely relaxing, but at least none of us has to endure it alone.