The Week 5 Game Thread: Headache Tablets And A Suspiciously Comfortable Win...

The UK Steelers Facebook Game Thread gathered on Sunday with fans watching from home, a meet-up assembling in Leeds, and the weather in Pittsburgh threatening to turn Steelers–Colts into the sort of game where the ball spends more time on the ground than in anyone’s hands.

Laura asked the home crowd for pictures of pets, snacks and jerseys. Tom had made it to his first meetup. Nigel was watching from a sofa while feeling dreadful. Phil was also unwell, though his condition appeared to have been caused by a few beers the previous night. He announced that the thread was sponsored by headache tablets, “because today the parrots ate them all.”

This was unlikely to help anyone understand the game, but it did mean Phil was in attendance.

The opening Steelers possession was not encouraging. DK Metcalf’s hands appeared to have retained some of their recent independence, the offence went nowhere, and Andrew pointed out that he had painted earlier in the day and could always spend the evening watching it dry.

Then Jaylen Warren got the ball.

One explosive touchdown later, the thread had changed its mind about absolutely everything. Elaine declared her love for Warren for approximately the millionth time. Andrew first announced his love for Warren, then remembered he was facing him in fantasy football and expressed considerably less love. Stewart began making Super Bowl plans. Andrew wondered why the Steelers didn’t simply run that play every time, adding that he should probably be a coach.

Laura wanted to be a fly on the wall in Leeds when Warren broke free. Simon’s photos and updates soon made clear that the meetup was enjoying itself rather a lot.

The offence continued to look capable. Rodgers found his targets, Freiermuth prompted the traditional chorus of “MUUUUTH”s, and even Nigel began to wonder if he was hallucinating. “I think I’m getting sicker,” he wrote, as Pittsburgh continued doing things that looked suspiciously like competent football.

The defence helped, too. Ramsey made plays despite a troublesome wrist, Samuel earned praise, and the Colts were repeatedly made to settle for field goals. They could move the ball—sometimes alarmingly easily—but Pittsburgh kept finding a way to stop the damage near the end zone.

Laura congratulated “Incorrect Warren” after an Indianapolis score. The proper Warren, everyone agreed, was already busy elsewhere.

There was a less welcome incident when T.J. Watt took a hand to the eye. The thread was furious, then concerned, then relieved to see him return. Phil spotted a particularly troubling phrase in the injury update: “Eye returned.”

“Where did it go?” he asked.

While everyone waited for an answer, Phil informed the group that onions have more DNA than humans. Nobody had asked, but it was good to have an independent research department working through the game.

Boswell added points before halftime. Simon organised the official meetup photo session, and Phil’s famous halftime stats were sponsored by Mr Motivator, “turning heads since 1993.” Jason appeared twice in the thread with wordless GIFs. From Olympus, the creator of the group offered no translation; the mortals were left to read the signs for themselves.

The second half produced an even better sign: Warren broke loose again.

“Jaylen fucking Warren,” wrote Lucy.

Elaine did not need to repeat that she loved him, but did anyway. Aaron pledged to do a thousand push-ups if Warren failed to win the group’s MVP vote. Ruth nominated him as her new favourite player. Dave proposed a hypothetical involving Warren and somebody’s wife that ended, quite reasonably, with the husband applauding.

Laura’s description of Warren’s “little skedaddle into the end zone” was rather more suitable for a family newsletter.

And yet the thread would not relax. This was the Steelers. Indianapolis kept moving downfield, the secondary was being pulled apart at times, and Daniel Jones was enjoying more clean pockets than anyone liked. There were missed tackles and stretches where Warren was plainly the most dangerous man on the field, only for the offence to try several passes and a sack instead.

Paul proposed a bold tactical adjustment: “Give it to WARREN.”

Laura made it easier to remember: “Give. Warren. The. Ball.”

The anxiety increased as the game moved into the fourth quarter. Lucy noticed that aggressive fourth-down decisions were a lot more stressful when the Steelers actually made them. Aaron asked whether anyone had taken the blood-pressure tablets to Leeds. The Colts’ kicker appeared worryingly capable, and Stu requested another touchdown for the sake of his nerves.

Freiermuth answered him. Another wall of “MUUUUTH” filled the thread, followed by Renegade and a defensive stop. The Leeds gathering remained on tenterhooks, but the Steelers were finally beginning to look like a team that might be allowed to see out a lead.

There was still time for a penalty to start a potential victory drive, for a long throw to spend approximately three years in the air, and for everyone to demand Warren again. Boswell put more points on the board. Then something deeply unfamiliar happened: Pittsburgh had a two-score lead near the end, and nobody needed to calculate an elaborate sequence of onside kicks, miracles and favourable interpretations of the rulebook.

Aaron admitted he had begun to think that situation was against the rules.

Laura described the defence’s final minutes as “a casual but coordinated frolic”. Elaine reported feeling calmer during a Steelers game than she had in a very long time. Lucy called it a stress-free finish. Paul wanted to know where he was supposed to get his usual high-blood-pressure adrenaline fix now.

The win arrived without a last-second catastrophe. For a group conditioned to watch through its fingers, that was almost as startling as Warren’s touchdowns.

There was plenty to enjoy beyond the final result: Warren’s extraordinary afternoon, Freiermuth’s contributions, Rodgers’ better spells, Samuel’s work in the secondary, and a defence that tightened up when Indianapolis threatened. Simon declared Pittsburgh Super Bowl-bound again. The group suggested that the Leeds meetup deserved some credit for the result. Several people then turned over to watch the Browns lose, just to make the evening complete.

Nigel, still feeling rough, thanked everyone and went to bed with a smile. Laura signed off grateful for a comfortable win and for the photos from Leeds. Elaine thanked the thread. Ger began planning the purchase of a Warren jersey.

The Facebook Game Thread is where the fans at the meet-up and the fans on their sofas get to share the same ridiculous few hours. Join the UK Steelers group for the next game, bring your snacks, your pet photos and whatever lucky jersey has survived the season so far.

You may also want to bring headache tablets. Phil says the parrots have eaten his.